You have been married for many years, and suddenly you find yourself divorced and single again. It doesn’t happen quite as suddenly as that but it can seem like it, and the thing is that although you knew it was coming you didn’t really plan for it.

A lot of the way you feel will depend on the circumstances of your divorce. Perhaps you wanted it and your new found freedom is a blessing. However, it is just as likely to have been forced upon you, and now you are bewildered and wondering how on earth this happened. Many divorcees feel like that and they are just wakening up to what has happened to them after many years of marriage, most of these years perfectly happy.

However, it is not the purpose here to offer sympathy but to be practical. You don’t want sympathy from a stranger, and you won’t find it here. If you have accepted that you have to make a new start then you are on the way to achieving exactly that. If you have not, then perhaps this is too soon for you. However, you have to face reality sometime so why not now?

It is not easy to be single again after being married, even if only for a few years. Your first task is to assess what you now want from life. What are your goals, and what do you aspire to? Perhaps you are ready to date again, and perhaps it is too soon. No two people are alike and each will react to a divorce in their own way and take their own time to get back to a normal life again. However, a time will have to come when you must make your plans. Write down what your goals are, even if they are immediate rather than long term. Whether you feel it now or not, you have the opportunity to be yourself again and stop living your life only for others.

Start off by doing things yourself. Go to a concert, or even go with a friend; revisit all those interests you used to have before it all went sour, and build yourself new dreams. You can do things because you want to do them, not because you have to, and you are no longer held back by other commitments to other people.

It will take time for you to recover from the emotional upheaval you have been through, but you have now been offered a second chance. Not only that but you can make your own choices rather than having to agree them with your ex. You will find that as you get involved in a new venture or a new interest, with no other influences to lead you astray from it, then you will find yourself building your life back again. You will realize that you are once again an individual with the world at your feet, and that you can indulge yourself in anything you want to without anybody to hold you back.

In time you will realize that this is wonderful new opportunity for you to learn from past mistakes and start again. This is an opportunity not given to many people, so it is important that you make the most of it. It is the chance to build new friendships and meet new people; perhaps even of rekindling old friendships that you have had reluctantly to let go. It might be the opportunity to travel to places you have never been able to visit, or simply to indulge yourself by relaxing without any pressure being put upon you to get things done for others.

How about trying some online dating: you can have the fun without the commitment, and nobody need even know your real name or where you live. You can test the water as they say, and learn more about this new technology called computing that you never had the time to do before! Perhaps you want a qualification, and can now take a degree course or even go to college. Learn a new skill or just something simple like pottery or art.

The best way to overcome the sorrow that you likely feel is to get an interest. Get yourself immersed in something that interest you, and perhaps allows you meet others. Join a gym or a fitness class: anything that gets you out of the house and back to living your life as it should be lived.

However, the best advice that most divorcees can be given in the period just after the divorce is to lean on somebody. Whether it is a relative, a friend or a therapist, it is important to have a shoulder to cry on and that is non-judgmental. That will help more than anything else until you are able to start looking into the future rather than at the past and the present.

Once you have accepted the situation for what it is, then you will be able to make plans and begin to live your life again as a single person.

Posted: March 11th, 2008 under Uncategorized.
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