Establish Rules for Children
How To Establish Clear Rules for Children When You Are
Divorced
by Vivienne Myatt
It can be hard at the best of times in a good marriage to
stipulate the order of the day, as it were, where kids are
concerned. Regrettably, this gets to be even more of a
challenge after a divorce. It can be nigh on impossible for
divorced parents to agree on common rules when they no
longer live together, unfortunately the children are the
ones that suffer most. Parents that separate or get
divorced, certainly don’t do the children any favors when
they have “his” and “her” rules. Today’s kids are smart, and
there’s no doubt that they will use both sets of rules to
the best of their advantage. Two sets of rules are confusing
and are definitely unfair to the kids, but they will take
the best from each list - the rules they can use, or benefit
from and disregard the rest.
The most impartial thing to do is to blank out the reasons
why you have made up your minds to break up, just for a
short while - call it a truce, and as intelligent adults
agree that your children need guidelines. Not so Dad is the
hero or Mum becomes an angel - but for the common good of
your youngsters. Remember, they are not the reason for the
break up and they still need to feel loved, save and secure
no matter what. When you have agreed on a set of rules,
involve the kids and explain what mum and dad have to say
about how things are going to be from now on, as regards
rules in both households.
Should one of the parents have a new partner, and that
relationship is new, or maybe the cause of the break-up,
don’t have the new partner at the meeting with your former
spouse. That can be considered as very inappropriate and can
be construed as punching below the belt. Regarding the
guidelines for the kids, it is important that you stick to
some rules that are to be valid at both households. These
rules allow your child to adjust quicker to his new
life-style of commuting between both sets of parents. Agreed
bedtimes and what time to be indoors at night will quickly
help to create stability in your child’s life. He or she
deserves this!
Curfews are also one rule that you want to have in place for
both homes. Otherwise your children will start to venture to
spend more time with the parent who gives them the most
freedom. This can result in some very serious problems for
you as well as your children down the road.
The rules that are established for both households aren’t
going to be set in stone. There may come a time when some of
them need to be re-evaluated. If you are able to communicate
well with your ex spouse schedule a time for the two of you
to discuss it. Once you have come to some conclusions you
can discuss the results with the children. It is best if you
can do this together though. They will be more receptive to
a united front then if only one parent is approaching them
about the rule changes.
Occasionally some rules will be in the kids favor - for
instance you may perhaps give them a later time to turn in
at night, or a later time to be indoors at night due to the
fact that a child is older and shows responsibility. Others
rules may reduce freedom slightly, which could be
constraining time spent in front of the television or
playing computer games. It’s necessary to keep your finger
on the pulse and keep things in check so your kids remain in
balance.
Your marriage may have failed, but that doesn’t mean you
have failed as a parent. You as a person and a parent cannot
fail unless you quit..! So don’t do what most divorcees do
and start beating yourself up with guilt about the kids
being caught up in the divorce. If you do, you will shed a
tear and give your kid an extra inch here and permission to
do this and that and before you know it, your child knows no
boundaries and he doesn’t know what is expected of him any
longer and this is where the going gets tougher. If you fall
into this self pity trap, you will regret it for a long time
to come. Give your child rules and state your expectations
and make boundaries for your kids. Sure, he’ll rebel at
first but once it sinks it that you have made a decision and
that you are sticking to it, all will be well on the home
front. I know, I have been through this and have witnessed
both ends of the scale.
It can be tempting to quickly adjust a rule or two to better
suit your circumstances, but don’t even go there. You may
think that what you do here does not concern your ex-spouse,
but think about it for a moment. Didn’t your former partner
have to enter a truce and make an agreement with you in the
first place? Arguably, it could be asked why bother making
the agreement if you take it upon yourself to change it at
will? That makes a good argument, by anyone’s standards and
it is probably what your reward will be…. one hell of an
argument at that. But, that is not the predominate factor of
this warning - the point is your child will witness this and
pick up on it. What generally happens is that the child will
automatically believe it is entirely his fault and that is
the sad part. Deplorable is probably a better word to use,
because this could trigger the start of a very long,
downward spiral. Agree with the other parent, at the
beginning that any and all changes are to be made together,
no matter how trivial they are. Your kids will respect you
both just as much as always, probably even more so.
Establishing very clear rules for children when you are
divorced is a very important part of keeping everyone happy.
If you fail to see the importance of this though you will
find there are conflicts that continue to come into play
over and over again. Don’t let a power struggle result from
them.
Divorce is a costly affair and not just in financial terms.
Vivienne Myatt offers advice to divorced moms and dads in what she hopes will be considered as helpful advice. The percentage of single divorcees is rising and sometimes help can seem a long
way away, so if one person can be helped then that is a good
thing.
Posted: June 16th, 2008 under Divorcees With Children.
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